15 Passive-Aggressive Examples in Relationships & What They Mean

You ask what's wrong. They say "nothing." Then the cupboard doors start slamming, replies shrink to one word, and somehow you end up feeling guilty. If that sounds familiar, you've probably run into passive-aggressive behaviour. This guide gives you 15 real-life passive-aggressive examples in relationships, what each one usually means underneath, and what to try instead. We'll also cover what causes passive aggression, whether it counts as abuse, and how to talk about it without starting a fight.

Written By :

Sahil Das (opens in a new tab)

Reviewed By :

Shivanya Yogmayaa (opens in a new tab)

Published: 28 October 2026

Last Modified: 28 October 2026

In Summary:

Passive-aggressive behaviour is anger or hurt shown indirectly: through silence, sarcasm, "forgetting," or sulking, instead of saying it out loud. In relationships, it looks like a flat "I'm fine," jokes with a sting, or agreeing to something and then not doing it. One bad day isn't toxic. A repeating pattern that leaves you confused, walking on eggshells, or apologising without knowing why is the red flag.

What is Passive-Aggressive Communication?

Passive-aggressive communication means expressing anger, hurt, or disappointment in a roundabout way. Instead of saying "I'm upset that you cancelled again," the person goes quiet, makes a snide joke, or "accidentally" forgets your plans. The feeling is real. The honesty isn't.

It shows up in every kind of pairing: a passive-aggressive spouse who keeps score, a boyfriend who sulks, a lover who runs hot and cold, or a partner who says "do whatever you want" in a tone that says the opposite. Gender doesn't decide it. Fear of conflict does.

Psychologist Dr. Tim Murphy, co-author of Overcoming Passive-Aggression, describes the sneaky side well: "The nastiest thing about hidden anger is that it sneaks up on you." You never see the fight coming, but you feel the damage.

Source: https://www.publishersweekly.com/9781569243619

How We Picked These 15 Examples

We chose behaviours that psychologists and relationship counsellors describe again and again, and that show up in everyday life rather than in extreme cases. Each one is something you can actually see or hear, and each one has a hidden message underneath. Use this list to understand patterns, not to diagnose your partner (or yourself). Everyone does a few of these sometimes.

Passive-Aggressive Behaviours at a Glance

S.No.	Behaviour	What it sounds or looks like	What it often really means
1	The fake "I'm fine"	"I said I'm fine."	"I'm hurt and don't know how to say it."
2	Silent treatment	Days of one-word replies	"Guess what you did wrong."
3	Sarcasm	"Wow, great job, really."	"I'm angry but won't say so."
4	Resentful agreement	"Fine. You win."	"I gave in, and you'll pay for it."
5	Fake cooperation	"Sure, I'll do it." (never does)	"I don't want to, but won't refuse."
6	Convenient forgetting	"Oh, was that today?"	"Your needs aren't my priority right now."
7	Deliberate delays	"I'll get to it."	"I'm resisting you."
8	Withholding affection	Turning away, no touch	"I'm punishing you."
9	Muttering and sighing	Loud sighs, eye-rolls	"Notice how annoyed I am."
10	Guilt-tripping	"Don't worry about me."	"Feel bad and fix it."
11	Jokes that aren't jokes	"Just kidding!" after a dig	"I meant it, but need cover."
12	Half-done tasks	Dishes "washed" badly	"I'll comply, but spitefully."
13	Chronic lateness	Always 30 minutes behind	"I control the timing here."
14	"Whatever you want"	Then complaining later	"I won't own a choice."
15	Public digs	Teasing you in front of friends	"I'll embarrass you safely."

1. The Fake "I'm Fine"

Sounds like: "I said I'm fine." (said with a clenched jaw)

The words say calm. The tone says otherwise. This is the classic among passive-aggressive examples in communication, because the mismatch is impossible to miss. The person is usually hurt but afraid that being honest will start a fight or make them look needy.

Try this: "You say you're fine, but you seem upset. I'm here whenever you want to talk." Then give them space.

2. The Silent Treatment

Sounds like: Nothing. That's the point.

The silent treatment is one of the most common passive-aggressive examples in relationships. Instead of saying "you hurt me," the person simply goes cold, sometimes for days.

Relationship researcher John Gottman found that about 85% of the "stonewallers" in his lab studies were men. His team linked this to how men's bodies tend to stay stressed for longer during arguments. That doesn't make every quiet man toxic. It does explain why passive-aggressive behaviour in men so often looks like shutting down rather than shouting.

There's a useful difference, though. A person who is overwhelmed says, "I need 20 minutes, then let's talk." A person using the silent treatment gives no timeline and no explanation, because the silence is the punishment.

Try this: Ask once, calmly, when they'd be ready to talk. Don't chase or beg.

Source: https://gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling

passive aggressive examples in relationships

3. Sarcasm and Backhanded Compliments

Sounds like: "Nice of you to finally show up." / "You look great, for someone who just woke up."

Sarcasm lets someone say something cruel while keeping a smile on their face. A passive-aggressive woman or man might use it to criticise without owning the criticism. If you object, you get: "Wow, you can't take a joke."

Try this: Respond to the real message. "That sounded like a dig. Is something bothering you about me being late?"

4. The Resentful "Fine, You Win"

Sounds like: "Fine. We'll do it your way. Obviously."

They agree, but the mood in the room tells you the argument isn't over. This is passive aggression in a relationship at its most draining: you "win," yet you're still being punished for it.

Try this: Don't accept a reluctant yes. Say, "I'd rather hear your real opinion than get a sulky yes."

5. Pretending to Cooperate

Sounds like: "Yeah, sure, I'll book the tickets." (Three weeks later, nothing's booked.)

Your spouse or partner says yes to avoid conflict, then quietly never follows through. They didn't want to do it, but they also couldn't say no. So the "no" comes out as inaction.

Try this: Make requests specific and give them a real way out. "Can you book them by Friday? If not, tell me, and I'll do it."

6. Convenient Forgetting

Sounds like: "Oh, was that today? I totally forgot."

We all forget things. The warning sign is what gets forgotten. If it's always the things you care about (your birthday dinner, your family event, your request), it may not be random. Forgetting becomes a way of saying "this doesn't matter to me" without having to say it.

Try this: Look for the pattern, not the single incident. "I've noticed the things I ask for slip through. What's going on?"

7. Deliberate Procrastination

Sounds like: "I'll get to it." (said for the fourth time)

A passive-aggressive boyfriend or girlfriend may drag their feet on anything you've asked for, from fixing the tap to replying to your family. Delay is a quiet way of resisting without ever saying no.

Try this: Agree on a clear deadline together, and ask what's making it hard to start.

8. Withholding Affection

Sounds like: No hug hello. Turning away in bed. Brushing off your hand.

When someone pulls back touch, warmth, or attention to show they're upset, they're sending a message without words. Dr. Cortney Warren, a Harvard-trained psychologist, lists this as a typical sign: avoiding contact makes it clear they're unhappy, even if they won't say so.

Try this: Name it gently. "I've felt distance between us since Tuesday. Did something happen?"

9. Muttering, Sighing, and Eye-Rolling

Sounds like: A loud sigh. A mumble you can almost hear. A dramatic eye-roll.

This is a conversation they're having with themselves, but at a volume you're meant to catch. It lets them express contempt while keeping total deniability. ("What? I didn't say anything.")

Try this: Treat it as if they'd spoken. "I heard that. What did you want to say?"

10. Guilt-Tripping and Playing the Victim

Sounds like: "No, no, don't worry about me. I'll just sit here alone."

Guilt-tripping flips the script. You came in with a simple need, and you leave feeling like the bad guy. A passive-aggressive lover might use it to get you to cancel plans or drop a complaint, without ever asking directly for what they want.

Try this: Ask, "What do you need from me right now?" It invites a direct request instead of a guilt trip.

11. Jokes That Aren't Really Jokes

Sounds like: "You've gained a bit of weight, haha. Just kidding!"

The "just kidding" is the giveaway. The joke delivers the insult; the laugh gives them an escape hatch. If you've ever felt hurt by something said "in fun," you've met this one.

Try this: Calmly say, "That didn't feel like a joke to me. Can you tell me what's behind it?"

passive aggressive examples relationships

12. Half-Done Chores and Sabotaged Tasks

Sounds like: A "cleaned" kitchen with dirty pans left on purpose. A "packed" bag missing the one thing you asked for.

Here the person technically does what you asked, but does it badly enough to make a point. It's compliance with a hidden middle finger.

Try this: Skip the scoreboard. Ask what's behind the resistance, and renegotiate who does what.

13. Chronic Lateness

Sounds like: Always 20-30 minutes behind, especially for your events.

Some people are simply bad with time. But if someone is perfectly punctual for work and late only for you, it can be a quiet way of holding control or showing resentment.

Try this: State the impact without accusing. "When you're late, I feel like my time doesn't count. Can we figure out a plan?"

14. "Whatever You Want" (Then Complaining Later)

Sounds like: "I don't care, you decide." Then, after dinner: "I didn't even want Italian."

This one links to a broader problem of passivity in relationships. The person never states a preference, so they never risk being wrong or being refused. But their silence at the start becomes criticism at the end.

Try this: Make it safe to choose. "I really want your opinion. Pick one, and I promise I won't judge it."

15. Public Digs and Indirect Complaints

Sounds like: Teasing you in front of friends. Complaining about you to others while you're in earshot. A vague social media post that's obviously about you.

Public digs let someone express anger while dodging a private, honest conversation. It also puts you in an awkward spot: respond, and you look dramatic; stay quiet, and the dig stands.

Try this: Take it private. "Can we talk about what you said earlier? It stung."

What Causes Passive Aggression?

Fear of conflict

Many people learned young that open anger leads to punishment, rejection, or chaos.

Family habits

If parents sulked, went silent, or used sarcasm, it can feel like the "normal" way to deal with anger.

Feeling powerless

When someone feels they can't ask directly or be heard, indirect resistance becomes their only tool.

Avoiding blame

Being vague keeps them from owning what they feel.

Stress and other struggles

Psychologists note that passive-aggressive patterns can sometimes go hand in hand with problems like depression or chronic stress.

The Cycle of the Passive-Aggressive Man (and Anyone Else)

Many people search for the "cycle of the passive-aggressive man," and it's worth knowing because this loop applies to any partner. It usually goes like this:

Something bothers him, but he says nothing.
Resentment builds quietly.
It leaks out as sarcasm, coldness, lateness, or "forgetting."
You ask what's wrong, and he denies anything is wrong.
You back off, or apologise even though you're not sure why.
Things calm down, but the real issue never gets solved.
The cycle starts again.

The hardest part of this passive-aggressive relationship pattern is step 5. When you take the blame to keep the peace, the cycle gets rewarded, and it comes back stronger. Breaking it starts with naming what's happening, calmly and early.

Is Passive-Aggressive Disorder in Relationships a Real Thing?

You'll often see "passive-aggressive disorder" mentioned online. Here's the honest answer: older diagnostic manuals once listed a passive-aggressive personality disorder, but it's not an official diagnosis today. Most therapists now see it as a pattern of behaviour rather than a stand-alone disorder.

That's actually good news, because patterns can change, especially with self-awareness, honest communication, and sometimes a counsellor's help. If you're worried your partner (or you) may have an underlying issue like anxiety or depression, a mental health professional is the right person to ask.

Is Passive-Aggressive Disorder in Relationships a Real Thing

Is Passive-Aggressiveness Abuse?

Not automatically. A sulky afternoon or a sarcastic comment during a stressful week isn't abuse. But passive aggression can become emotional abuse when it turns into a steady pattern used to punish, control, embarrass, or make you doubt your own reality, for example, "I never said that," when they clearly did.

Ask yourself:

Do I feel afraid, small, or constantly on edge around them?
Am I changing how I act just to avoid their next silent punishment?
Is it constant, rather than occasional?
Do I doubt my own memory or sanity after talking to them?

If you're nodding to several of these, take it seriously. Talk to a trusted friend, a counsellor, or a local helpline.

Here's another way to see the damage. According to the Gottman Institute, stable couples tend to have about five positive interactions for every negative one. A steady stream of cold shoulders, digs, and "fine"s makes that balance very hard to keep, even if no single moment feels dramatic.

Source: https://gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling

How to Respond to Passive-Aggressive Behaviour in Relationships

You can't force someone to be direct, but you can change how you react.

Stay calm. Reacting angrily proves their fear that honesty leads to fights.
Describe what you see, not the label. Say "You've been quiet since dinner" instead of "You're being passive-aggressive."
Invite honesty, kindly. Make it safe to speak up.
Set a simple boundary. "I'm happy to talk when you're ready, but I won't guess what's wrong."
Don't reward the pattern. Don't give in just to end the tension.
Check yourself. Be honest about whether you do any of these too.

Dr. Cortney Warren says the best first move is "respectfully communicating your experience of being around them." In plain words, tell them how their behaviour feels to you, without attacking. If they react badly, she suggests staying neutral, reminding them you care, and walking away until they're ready to talk.

Source: www.cnbc.com

If the pattern keeps repeating, couples counselling can give you both a safe space to practise saying the hard things out loud. Love that carries some hidden anger can absolutely get healthier, but only when both people are willing to speak up.

Honorable Mentions: Not Always Passive-Aggressive

A few behaviours look passive-aggressive but often aren't:

Needing space after an argument, when they say so and come back.
Genuine forgetfulness, when it's random rather than aimed at you.
Cultural indirectness, since in some families and cultures, hinting is simply how people communicate politely.

Context and consistency matter. Look for patterns, not one-offs.

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FAQs

What are the most common passive-aggressive examples in relationships?

The most common are the fake "I'm fine," the silent treatment, sarcasm, resentful agreement, and pretending to cooperate while quietly not following through. Others include convenient forgetting, withholding affection, and jokes with a sting. Seeing one now and then is normal. Seeing several, repeatedly, is a pattern worth discussing.

Is passive-aggressiveness abuse?

Not by itself. Occasional passive-aggressive moments are a communication problem. It becomes emotional abuse when it's constant and used to punish, control, or confuse you. If you feel afraid, small, or unsure of your own memory, reach out to a counsellor or someone you trust.

Why is my boyfriend passive-aggressive?

Usually it's fear, not malice. He may dread conflict, never learned to express anger openly, or feel his needs won't be heard. That explains the behaviour but doesn't excuse it. Calmly asking for directness and rewarding it when it happens often helps more than confronting him.

Can a passive-aggressive person change?

Yes, if they recognise the pattern and want to change. Learning to say "I'm upset about this" out loud is a skill that improves with practice. Therapy, honest conversations, and a partner who responds calmly (rather than punishing honesty) all help.

Is passive-aggressive disorder a real diagnosis?

Not as an official stand-alone diagnosis today. Older manuals listed a passive-aggressive personality disorder, but current thinking treats it as a pattern of behaviour that may connect to anxiety, depression, or past experiences. A mental health professional can help figure out what's underneath.